What I must do.

This is ridiculous! I am just being a dumbass drama queen again. I will not do this to myself again. I can sense that something is wrong, I know it!

He'll talk to me whenever he wants. But as soon as I get to my mom's for winter break, I will no longer initiate contacts unless required (which is unlikely). In any case, that's how it's gonna be. No bullshit and no falling out. I do what I do for him and especially myself. We both need this...

...he just won't admit it.

Because I Can

I feel as though everything is starting to fall into place. That I am finally starting to take control of my life--living it the way I want to live it. But I still have a bit of complications but its nothing that I can't handle.

School is somewhat challenging but I enjoy it. Makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something...& I really am! Working towards something in my opinion is the greatest feeling to ever experience!! But I suppose its not as great as the feeling of true love.

Yes, that right! True love. & I found it within my dearest friend nonetheless! I've known him for 5 wonderful years. Hes always been there for me & I have always felt this connection with him that I never felt with anyone else. We were only 15 back then but I knew from then on that he had to always be in a part of my life. But I would of never imagined that we would ever fall in love & be together. Til today it still shocks me!

Being with him is so incredible. Anything & everything I wanna be I can be. He is my true inspiration. Even when we are apart we still share that wonderful bond. Theres no games between us, well except for video games =] But yea...all is well

Motha F**ker

Yea...its pretty obvious I'm not in the best mood. Long story short, I have to watch my every move from now on. Thats about it for now

What I shouldn't be doing...

Well as of right not I should be just concentrating on my work. But I'm not so too bad =b Anyways alot of changes has occured since the last entry.

• 1st off me & Tommy are done!
• I got in the college I was having such a hard time getting into
• I'm still not a high school grad. But I'm working on it on the dl so sshhhh!!
• College has been...interesting!
• I work for my dad now (which I should continue to work as of right now LOL)

So yea. Jusy trying to do me & stuff. Gonna stay single til I'm 21 cuz I believe I am not mature enough to actually consinder having another serious relationship & plus by then I will have my life together. So I'm being practical. Isn't that nice? =) Oh well...back to work!

19

What does a number have to do with anything? Perhaps it has no significance. Maybe its just a number. Or so I thought...

These past few weeks have been the most stressful in my 19 yrs on earth. I first had to deal with possibly being pregnant with a man I barely even knew(I'm not by the way). Then I had to cope with the major possibly that I have no future with him because of a 7 yr difference.

Next has to deal with matters of education. I'm still not a high school graduate(I'm only 1 class away from graduating so don't be pointing any fingers at me ok?) & the pressure from parents to get my diploma is overwhelming & actually makes me feel like a failure & not even want to graduate. I know it sounds pretty stupid but I can't seem to handle it. They think pressuring me to the extreme will motivate but it actually is making less motivated. I can't explain it but it does.

College. These past few weeks I have been trying to get into the city college & now you're thinking "Why even do that. You're not a high school grad yet". But I was told that I was still qualified to enroll because I was only 1 high school credit away & I was to be at least 18 yrs of age. So no biggie, right?Wrong! Well after taking the assessment test & registering for my classes online, I check to see the total bill for my classes & it was $1000+ ! Talk about ridiculous. So I examine the info carefully & then I saw the flaw: they registered me as a non-resident. So I thought it wasn't really a big deal & that I could just tell them to fix it(it was their mistake,not mine. I put "permanent resident" on my application).

So I go this morning & I tell them about the problem with my info. They get out my application that I had originally given them & I saw with my very own eyes that I had put "permanent resident"so it was definitely not my fault at all. They ask for Ca ID & I show them. But then they ask for my green card & of course I didn't have because I had already given them the number for it & also because I don't walk around carrying my green card everywhere I go. But they wanted proof & gave me a list of items I had to bring to show them(2 items from the list) so then I had to bus all the way back home.

Here are the list of items I was supposed to bring in "my name"(Ca Id & green card don't count but have to be brought anyways):

-State and federal tax returns with W-2 forms
-Automobile registration
-California driver's license/California ID card
-Voter registration
-Military personnel: active duty
-Bank account statements
-California license for professional practice/membership in California organizations
-Petitioner for divorce in California
-Utility bills
-Proof of employment (pay stubs)
-Mortgage statements
-Verification of public assistance

So I get home & I tell my dad about my issue with the college. So he gets my green card & starts looking for a bunch of bills & stuff & off we went. We arrive & then my dad tries to talk to the people in the admissions office. Of course it doesn't go well & they tell him the info he brought was useless cuz I'm 19 & the bills didn't have my name. So they told my dad to bring my INS papers & some other things I don't remember & we left.

Then about 10 minutes after I get home, my stepmom starts to bitch like she always does while she looks for more papers they can use to get into GCC. Then I tell her how I wasn't even my fault & she just went on & said how I have to deal with it anyways.

Then I called my mom & I told her everything that happened & I told her if things don't work out that I wanted to move in with her. So yup yup...thats the plan!

Ok...so no GCC but now its the attempt to go to PCC. Well see by Friday is anything changes.

:(

Well I told him today. I couldn't help it. He says if I am, he wants me to take an abortion pill.

What I really want is the baby to live but I also am not ready & I don't want to upset him. I don't know what to do...

Gosh

Well I may be pregnant. So today I took the PlanB morning after pill to reduce my chances. Hopefully it works *sigh* but just in case I will take a pregnancy test. Just to be sure. Lets just leave it @ that