*sigh*

I don't know...there are just times when I don't feel too good about myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm generally a happy person but right now I'm kinda down. It mostly involves my ex boyfriend so yea(we had a long distance relationship).

I wish I could talk to him & tell him what I'm thinking about & how I feel but I know its best that we don't talk. He recently messaged me on myspace a few days ago wanting to be friends again like we were before we went out but I don't really trust him & I think he doesn't have good intentions of being my friend. I think he rather have a "friends with benefits" kind of thing because all he used to do when were barely broken up was flirt with me & toy with my emotions( he left me by the way) while at the same time he had a new girl friend! They are currently still together but whatever...they a bunch of ugly ass people so I guess they belong together.

But the sad thing, I sometimes have dreams of marrying him in the future & spending the rest of our lives together. Yes, I admit, I do still love him. But just not the way I used to. Even though he did me wrong I still don't hate him (even though I should so I pretend instead) & I guess its because I truly do love him. Unconditionally. But I don't really know for sure. I do care but at the same time I feel empty inside. I suppose its because of what he has done to me. & yes he has hurt me alot! But I know I have hurt him too but not as much as he did.

I want to write him a letter. I want to tell him how I felt when I was with him & what I had realized when he left me. But I don't think I will necessarily do that because...well...I think I will regret it.

So I think I will write the letter here just so its out there you know? I wont copy this & send it to him or anything but anyways here it goes...

Dearest Michael,

Its been so long since the last I saw you. & also I am very sorry again for slapping you. I went too far. But anyways, I'm writing you this letter because I wanted to tell you what has been going through my mind for the past few months. This is what has been on my mind.

1st off, like I said before & I will say again, you did the right thing ending things with us. Even though it hurt for some odd reason it felt right. I didn't understand why back then but I do now.

It was because I was unhappy. I loved you to death but I was still unhappy & do you want to know why? Well its because you wanted me to be something I wasn't. You were always trying to control me. Telling what to do, what to wear who to talk(well in this case "not" talk) to & what kind of wife I was suppose to be in the near future. & by the way, I think being married at 22 (you at 21) is WAY too soon! I'm 19 now & you expected to be married in 3 yrs?! I had no choice in the matter at all...

But despite that I still loved you. I love you now but its not the same. Thats probably the reason why I felt so trapped with you. I felt I had no control over my own life & thats why I had strong urges to cheat on you...so I could have some control over my life & I could of many times but I just loved you far too much to ever hurt you like that. Plus your death threat pretty much scared me to death but thats beside the point.

All & all, I don't think you ever really loved me. But thats just my opinion. You didn't trust me or respect me at all. You felt the only way I wouldn't cheat/leave was to control me & check up on me all the time. Calling me a million times a day (especially late at night) when I don't pick up & when I do you want to talk til you feel sleepy (which felt like an eternity) & thats why the last few months I would ignore your calls on purpose in the afternoons when I got out of school. I needed my space...& my sleep!

& don't even get me started on "other guys". Ok, so other guys looked at me, so what? Why did you stress so much over it? YOU had me, not them so there was no need of getting jealous at all! I could of been closer to you too but you didn't want me to live with my mom because the guys in her town would "steal me away" as you said as an excuse to convince me to not move.

Respect. Another thing I also never got from you. To be honest, even up to this very day, you make me feel like a whore. A fuck toy! I never felt that you EVER saw me as a person! EVER! All you ever wanted from me was sex & to make me into a baby making machine (or what you like to call a "wife"). But you never loved me...you loved taking advantage of me. I did whatever you wanted because I loved you. I was willing to be a housewife with no career just because I loved you. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for yours.

But even that wasn't good enough for you. Thats why you chose her over me, am I right? & worst part is, you respect her! You trust her! You love her!! You leaving me wasn't what hurt the most. Its the fact that you ACTUALLY let your girlfriend be her own person while you controlled me like some puppet! Thats what hurt!!

Why Michael? Why couldn't I be my own person? Why wasn't I allowed freedom like her? Why was I not good enough that you had to control me? *sigh*

Maybe all I ever was to you was a whore. Maybe thats what you think of me now! Who knows...cuz I sure don't

-Mille

Well thats about it.