Yesterday...

Went out with Tommy again but it was different this time. He was more into the dirty deeds rather than the romantic stuff we did the last time. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it but I also wanted the same effort when were just laying in each other's arms. He didn't hold me as tightly as he did & didn't really try to kiss me.

I didn't have a good feeling about it. Its like it was all about the sex with him that time. But it was strangely confusing too because he wanted to hold me also (maybe it was just for warmth but who knows really) . Also whenever I kissed him he wouldn't kiss back. He only kissed me during sex for a bit & when he dropped me off.

But what he did when I was about to leave the car was different. This time he actually hugged me & then gave me the usual kiss but we still had the awkward feel right before like always.

Are we dating? Or just friends with benefits? He mentioned when we took another way back to my mom's that he used to pick up his other friend & used to do the same thing that me & him do now. That made me a bit jealous but not really because I knew he had been with many women before me & I understood that it was the past. The main feeling was emptiness when he said that. I felt like that almost the whole time I was with him. It was like he didn't want to have anything to do with me afterwards. But at the same time it was strange because he told me that didn't want me to leave. I guessed he sensed the empty feeling I was feeling but I'll never know.

I'm just so confused! I don't know if I have feelings for him or not but I also don't want him to suddenly wanna be my boyfriend either. Its not that hes a bad guy I trust him, I do but I just don't wanna go through another long distance relationship again. & he even said that things wouldn't work out with us because of it...& I totally agree.

Plus the age difference! I feel like an idiot/immature brat when I'm with him. Hes a grown man & should be looking for a wife while being a wife is the LAST thing on my mind! Were in 2 different stages of our lives & I think its the REAL reason we can't be together.

I guess all I can do is wait & see...