Life of Lady Red

What I must do.

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 01:29:00 +0000

This is ridiculous! I am just being a dumbass drama queen again. I will not do this to myself again. I can sense that something is wrong, I know it!

He'll talk to me whenever he wants. But as soon as I get to my mom's for winter break, I will no longer initiate contacts unless required (which is unlikely). In any case, that's how it's gonna be. No bullshit and no falling out. I do what I do for him and especially myself. We both need this...

...he just won't admit it.

Because I Can

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 20:23:00 +0000

I feel as though everything is starting to fall into place. That I am finally starting to take control of my life--living it the way I want to live it. But I still have a bit of complications but its nothing that I can't handle.

School is somewhat challenging but I enjoy it. Makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something...& I really am! Working towards something in my opinion is the greatest feeling to ever experience!! But I suppose its not as great as the feeling of true love.

Yes, that right! True love. & I found it within my dearest friend nonetheless! I've known him for 5 wonderful years. Hes always been there for me & I have always felt this connection with him that I never felt with anyone else. We were only 15 back then but I knew from then on that he had to always be in a part of my life. But I would of never imagined that we would ever fall in love & be together. Til today it still shocks me!

Being with him is so incredible. Anything & everything I wanna be I can be. He is my true inspiration. Even when we are apart we still share that wonderful bond. Theres no games between us, well except for video games =] But yea...all is well

Motha F**ker

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Wed, 23 May 2007 21:06:00 +0000

Yea...its pretty obvious I'm not in the best mood. Long story short, I have to watch my every move from now on. Thats about it for now

What I shouldn't be doing...

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 23:50:00 +0000

Well as of right not I should be just concentrating on my work. But I'm not so too bad =b Anyways alot of changes has occured since the last entry.

1st off me & Tommy are done!
I got in the college I was having such a hard time getting into
I'm still not a high school grad. But I'm working on it on the dl so sshhhh!!
College has been...interesting!
I work for my dad now (which I should continue to work as of right now LOL)

So yea. Jusy trying to do me & stuff. Gonna stay single til I'm 21 cuz I believe I am not mature enough to actually consinder having another serious relationship & plus by then I will have my life together. So I'm being practical. Isn't that nice? =) Oh well...back to work!

19

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 21:08:00 +0000

What does a number have to do with anything? Perhaps it has no significance. Maybe its just a number. Or so I thought...

These past few weeks have been the most stressful in my 19 yrs on earth. I first had to deal with possibly being pregnant with a man I barely even knew(I'm not by the way). Then I had to cope with the major possibly that I have no future with him because of a 7 yr difference.

Next has to deal with matters of education. I'm still not a high school graduate(I'm only 1 class away from graduating so don't be pointing any fingers at me ok?) & the pressure from parents to get my diploma is overwhelming & actually makes me feel like a failure & not even want to graduate. I know it sounds pretty stupid but I can't seem to handle it. They think pressuring me to the extreme will motivate but it actually is making less motivated. I can't explain it but it does.

College. These past few weeks I have been trying to get into the city college & now you're thinking "Why even do that. You're not a high school grad yet". But I was told that I was still qualified to enroll because I was only 1 high school credit away & I was to be at least 18 yrs of age. So no biggie, right?Wrong! Well after taking the assessment test & registering for my classes online, I check to see the total bill for my classes & it was $1000+ ! Talk about ridiculous. So I examine the info carefully & then I saw the flaw: they registered me as a non-resident. So I thought it wasn't really a big deal & that I could just tell them to fix it(it was their mistake,not mine. I put "permanent resident" on my application).

So I go this morning & I tell them about the problem with my info. They get out my application that I had originally given them & I saw with my very own eyes that I had put "permanent resident"so it was definitely not my fault at all. They ask for Ca ID & I show them. But then they ask for my green card & of course I didn't have because I had already given them the number for it & also because I don't walk around carrying my green card everywhere I go. But they wanted proof & gave me a list of items I had to bring to show them(2 items from the list) so then I had to bus all the way back home.

Here are the list of items I was supposed to bring in "my name"(Ca Id & green card don't count but have to be brought anyways):

-State and federal tax returns with W-2 forms
-Automobile registration
-California driver's license/California ID card
-Voter registration
-Military personnel: active duty
-Bank account statements
-California license for professional practice/membership in California organizations
-Petitioner for divorce in California
-Utility bills
-Proof of employment (pay stubs)
-Mortgage statements
-Verification of public assistance

So I get home & I tell my dad about my issue with the college. So he gets my green card & starts looking for a bunch of bills & stuff & off we went. We arrive & then my dad tries to talk to the people in the admissions office. Of course it doesn't go well & they tell him the info he brought was useless cuz I'm 19 & the bills didn't have my name. So they told my dad to bring my INS papers & some other things I don't remember & we left.

Then about 10 minutes after I get home, my stepmom starts to bitch like she always does while she looks for more papers they can use to get into GCC. Then I tell her how I wasn't even my fault & she just went on & said how I have to deal with it anyways.

Then I called my mom & I told her everything that happened & I told her if things don't work out that I wanted to move in with her. So yup yup...thats the plan!

Ok...so no GCC but now its the attempt to go to PCC. Well see by Friday is anything changes.

:(

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 07:40:00 +0000

Well I told him today. I couldn't help it. He says if I am, he wants me to take an abortion pill.

What I really want is the baby to live but I also am not ready & I don't want to upset him. I don't know what to do...

Gosh

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 23:09:00 +0000

Well I may be pregnant. So today I took the PlanB morning after pill to reduce my chances. Hopefully it works *sigh* but just in case I will take a pregnancy test. Just to be sure. Lets just leave it @ that

Yesterday...

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 08:27:00 +0000

Went out with Tommy again but it was different this time. He was more into the dirty deeds rather than the romantic stuff we did the last time. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it but I also wanted the same effort when were just laying in each other's arms. He didn't hold me as tightly as he did & didn't really try to kiss me.

I didn't have a good feeling about it. Its like it was all about the sex with him that time. But it was strangely confusing too because he wanted to hold me also (maybe it was just for warmth but who knows really) . Also whenever I kissed him he wouldn't kiss back. He only kissed me during sex for a bit & when he dropped me off.

But what he did when I was about to leave the car was different. This time he actually hugged me & then gave me the usual kiss but we still had the awkward feel right before like always.

Are we dating? Or just friends with benefits? He mentioned when we took another way back to my mom's that he used to pick up his other friend & used to do the same thing that me & him do now. That made me a bit jealous but not really because I knew he had been with many women before me & I understood that it was the past. The main feeling was emptiness when he said that. I felt like that almost the whole time I was with him. It was like he didn't want to have anything to do with me afterwards. But at the same time it was strange because he told me that didn't want me to leave. I guessed he sensed the empty feeling I was feeling but I'll never know.

I'm just so confused! I don't know if I have feelings for him or not but I also don't want him to suddenly wanna be my boyfriend either. Its not that hes a bad guy I trust him, I do but I just don't wanna go through another long distance relationship again. & he even said that things wouldn't work out with us because of it...& I totally agree.

Plus the age difference! I feel like an idiot/immature brat when I'm with him. Hes a grown man & should be looking for a wife while being a wife is the LAST thing on my mind! Were in 2 different stages of our lives & I think its the REAL reason we can't be together.

I guess all I can do is wait & see...

Crazy!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 12:36:00 +0000

The morning has been pretty crazy for me...& its barely 4:30 am LOL! Well just to let all of you people know, I had a great time today!

Basically I sneaked out of my mom's to go meet up with a guy I met on myspace like 2 days ago. Its totally insane & not me at all but for some reason I had a feeling that I had to do it. I made a dummy me on the couch bed & prepared my things. So around 12:40am Tommy boy called me from the gas station pay phone to tell me that he was there & to go to the station.

I was so nervous sneaking out! I mean, I've sneaked out before but never in the middle of the night you know? So I tried oh so quietly to open both doors so that I wouldn't get caught in the act. Success! & as soon as I closed the doors I made a run for it! I was that freaked out!

Then as I ran closer I finally got a good look of Tommy boy in the flesh...& I've gotta say, hes not too bad for an old guy(26) LOL. So we said our basic greetings & then we were off in his manual transmission CRX.

Immediately I was impressed with the car & the fact that it was stick shift. Then we had our lil small chats & I mentioned that I need to be dropped off at the side of the complex.

We arrived at his house. Of course we had to sneak inside quietly into his room & so we did. Then we were watching a bit of anime when at one point his dad opened the door & I instinctively covered myself with Tommy boy's blanket to disguise myself! I don't think worked but Tommy boy reassured me that things will be fine.

The TV eventually got boring so we decided to cuddle up a bit. It felt really nice. I haven't been held in so long I have almost forgotten what it was like...the warmth & closeness of it all. & then the kiss.I swear it felt like magic! Nothing like my very 1st kiss but still pretty nice. All he did was hold me & kiss me...I never felt so needed. Not in a long time.

Then we did the nasty.

After that we just cuddled up again. Him just moving his hands up & down my bare while I held him close; I swear I never wanted to leave. But we both knew I had to so we just enjoyed what was left of our time in sweet warm bliss.

That's when I told him that I had forgotten his name(LOL). I pretty much killed the moment right there & then he reminded me & we were back in the moment again. That's when he called me his "Happy Meal" because I'm happy & I make him happy.

Once time was growing thin, we started to head out for my mom's. We got to his car & it didn't start up. He got out & tried pushing it & then running back in to shift but nothing. He attempted this for at least another 3 times until finally he asked me to get out & help him push the car. So I did & it finally started.

He explained to me that manual car batts die much faster when you don't drive them regularly & that what was occurring. Then we just sang along to Weezer.

When we finally arrived, we said our goodbyes & he gave me a small lil kiss. Then I sneaked back into my mom's & here I am!

I don't know what will become of this but what I do know is that I don't regret a thing about it. I don't expect him to be my boyfriend now or commit himself to only me but I don't know...

I just don't know if I feel for him. If he feels for me! But all I know is that I'm not ready & just thinking about being in a relationship totally scares me!

I guess its because I'm still waiting for HIM. The only man I have ever truly respected. & honestly, I don't want anyone else. I will have my share of love affairs but HE will be the one I am willing to commit to. HE deserves nothing less.

HES my Andy =)

sigh

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 08:55:00 +0000

I don't know...there are just times when I don't feel too good about myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm generally a happy person but right now I'm kinda down. It mostly involves my ex boyfriend so yea(we had a long distance relationship).

I wish I could talk to him & tell him what I'm thinking about & how I feel but I know its best that we don't talk. He recently messaged me on myspace a few days ago wanting to be friends again like we were before we went out but I don't really trust him & I think he doesn't have good intentions of being my friend. I think he rather have a "friends with benefits" kind of thing because all he used to do when were barely broken up was flirt with me & toy with my emotions( he left me by the way) while at the same time he had a new girl friend! They are currently still together but whatever...they a bunch of ugly ass people so I guess they belong together.

But the sad thing, I sometimes have dreams of marrying him in the future & spending the rest of our lives together. Yes, I admit, I do still love him. But just not the way I used to. Even though he did me wrong I still don't hate him (even though I should so I pretend instead) & I guess its because I truly do love him. Unconditionally. But I don't really know for sure. I do care but at the same time I feel empty inside. I suppose its because of what he has done to me. & yes he has hurt me alot! But I know I have hurt him too but not as much as he did.

I want to write him a letter. I want to tell him how I felt when I was with him & what I had realized when he left me. But I don't think I will necessarily do that because...well...I think I will regret it.

So I think I will write the letter here just so its out there you know? I wont copy this & send it to him or anything but anyways here it goes...

Dearest Michael,

Its been so long since the last I saw you. & also I am very sorry again for slapping you. I went too far. But anyways, I'm writing you this letter because I wanted to tell you what has been going through my mind for the past few months. This is what has been on my mind.

1st off, like I said before & I will say again, you did the right thing ending things with us. Even though it hurt for some odd reason it felt right. I didn't understand why back then but I do now.

It was because I was unhappy. I loved you to death but I was still unhappy & do you want to know why? Well its because you wanted me to be something I wasn't. You were always trying to control me. Telling what to do, what to wear who to talk(well in this case "not" talk) to & what kind of wife I was suppose to be in the near future. & by the way, I think being married at 22 (you at 21) is WAY too soon! I'm 19 now & you expected to be married in 3 yrs?! I had no choice in the matter at all...

But despite that I still loved you. I love you now but its not the same. Thats probably the reason why I felt so trapped with you. I felt I had no control over my own life & thats why I had strong urges to cheat on you...so I could have some control over my life & I could of many times but I just loved you far too much to ever hurt you like that. Plus your death threat pretty much scared me to death but thats beside the point.

All & all, I don't think you ever really loved me. But thats just my opinion. You didn't trust me or respect me at all. You felt the only way I wouldn't cheat/leave was to control me & check up on me all the time. Calling me a million times a day (especially late at night) when I don't pick up & when I do you want to talk til you feel sleepy (which felt like an eternity) & thats why the last few months I would ignore your calls on purpose in the afternoons when I got out of school. I needed my space...& my sleep!

& don't even get me started on "other guys". Ok, so other guys looked at me, so what? Why did you stress so much over it? YOU had me, not them so there was no need of getting jealous at all! I could of been closer to you too but you didn't want me to live with my mom because the guys in her town would "steal me away" as you said as an excuse to convince me to not move.

Respect. Another thing I also never got from you. To be honest, even up to this very day, you make me feel like a whore. A fuck toy! I never felt that you EVER saw me as a person! EVER! All you ever wanted from me was sex & to make me into a baby making machine (or what you like to call a "wife"). But you never loved me...you loved taking advantage of me. I did whatever you wanted because I loved you. I was willing to be a housewife with no career just because I loved you. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for yours.

But even that wasn't good enough for you. Thats why you chose her over me, am I right? & worst part is, you respect her! You trust her! You love her!! You leaving me wasn't what hurt the most. Its the fact that you ACTUALLY let your girlfriend be her own person while you controlled me like some puppet! Thats what hurt!!

Why Michael? Why couldn't I be my own person? Why wasn't I allowed freedom like her? Why was I not good enough that you had to control me? *sigh*

Maybe all I ever was to you was a whore. Maybe thats what you think of me now! Who knows...cuz I sure don't

-Mille

Well thats about it.

Hola!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Red) — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 01:30:00 +0000

Well this is my very first entry in blogger. I already had a blog to be honest but I decided to have this one so that I can be more open & free to write about whatever I want without any judgement. Besides, myspace blogs are cheap anyways LOL!

Things that have happened...let me think. Oh! Well its the New Yr thats I should first mention so Happy 2007 everyone =) HmMm what else is there? Well its also my older brother's/my best friend's older brother 21st Birthday today. But instead of hanging out & having a good time, I am stuck at home with my younger brother while I wait for my older brother to get home & pick us up.

Yesterday was slightly interesting I suppose. At around 5pm I got a call from my step aunt asking me if I would like to go with her to church to choir practice so that I may be a choir member. I had nothing else to do so I decided to go along with her. I got ready & all & then she arrives around 7pm. She later tells me on the way there that the practice started at 7:15pm & it was already almost 7:30pm by then. We had finally arrived & went inside the church. I already felt pretty embarrassed but things got even worse. We sat there & listened to the choir sing a song & then right after the practice was over! Yes, I basically missed the whole thing! I thought it was pretty funny also. Then after the whole stupid 5 minutes that we wasted there, I told my step aunt to stop by a Starbucks & to get us some coffee so that she can make it up to me for being late (LOL I know very assertive) Then when I finally came home, I went straight upstairs to my room & told my brothers about the whole thing...& they just laughed!

Oh, just a reminder for myself:(Sometime this week when I rented dvds) I totally messed up when I accidently called some old guy instead of my older brother & I kept thinking it was him until I checked the caller ID. I felt so bad...

Well thats all for today folks